fake

i know the Lord speaks to me and that He wants to speak to me (Romans 8:31). but i doubt. i am a doubter and i hear and believe lies that i am fake. and in the moment i believe i am fake and not real i then doubt God is real and believe if i am fake then God is fake. and it scares the hell out of me to even think of God not being real. at that moment i am pleading with God to reveal His reality to me.

one day, in the morning as i was being discipled, we were on our faces praying to God of all. this overwhelming attack was on me accusing me of not doing this for the glory of God but for my own glory and recognition. i began to exclaim to myself in belief of the lies "i am fake, i am fake!" thoughts of non-reality of god, all purposelessness and absence of life began to unfold rapidly. then the Word of the Lord came to my teacher. he got up from his position and walked around the table, knelt down to his knees and rested his hand on my back declaring "i feel the Lord is telling me jared is real."

simply and utterly spoken into my heart God revealed Himself to me that day. i was filled with complete awe. when God's Word poured out of matt's mouth i giggled, laughed, cried, sighed, smiled and clenched my teeth all together in complete joy.